I wrote the last line in the last scene of EE6 yesterday. There’s lots of editing to be done (and a Ch. 1 except of EE7 — or perhaps EE6pt2 — to write), but it seems like the time to celebrate… by posting a new contest. Last year’s “Design a Hat for Maldynado” event was well-received, so let’s see what else we can do here…
From the Mouths of Maldynados (and Akstyrs)
The task:
Come up with a Maldynado-appropriate (or inappropriate, as the case may be) euphemism (i.e. getting one’s snake greased)
OR
Come up with an Akstyr-appropriate curse or idiom (i.e. that licks donkey balls)
You’re welcome to enter both halves of the contest. Please post your entries as a comment below, and make sure to leave an email address you check, so I can get in touch with you if you’re the winner.
The prize:
A winner will be selected from each category (Maldynado and Akstyr), possibly with the help of your peers. The winning snippets of dialogue will be used somewhere in EE6. Also, you’ll have your choice of two of the Emperor’s Edge books in paperback versions, signed of course (possibly by Maldynado or Akstyr as well as myself).
Any questions? Let me know. Otherwise… let’s see what you’ve got! 😉
Update April 8th: Thanks for the entries, everyone! I’ll pick winners soon and announce them this week.
Maldynado: “Well, whenever I’m frustrated in love and start to think that my, ah… *sword* is growing rusty, I always remember that, without fail, one in the hand is better than two in a bush…”
Maldynado: “…like to draw water from her well…”
Akstyr: “…worse than crotch rot…”
Maldynado: “… the best place to find a snake is in a bush…”
Akstyr: “Go take a bath with the piss pot!”
Maldynado: “Have you ever considered crashing your train into her bunker?”
I can totally see someone telling Maldynado to “keep that up” and him turning it around into one of his body-part-euphemisms. Though I can’t see it coming out of his mouth first, just…taking advantage of the situation.
Akstyr: “… how many times do I have to tell you it’s Science, not magic. You see any practitioners running around in a cape?”… accompanied with a rude gesture.
When Sicarius is forcing the group into a training session, I can see Maldynado saying something about preferring “two-person push ups” to other types of exercise.
Maldynado: its fanny fucking tastic (instead of fantastic)
Maldynado: a nice girl is just a bad girl that hasn’t met me yet.
Akstyr : in the gang i was with the men were so macho, it was only the buftie’s that bothered the women.
“… got lost in the briar patch.”
Explaining that he’s running late now because he spent time with a woman last night.
“… went muff diving last night.”
Explaining that he’s tired today because he spent time with a woman last night.
Maldynado – Well, you know the bald knob needs to be greased regularly. I can’t take a chance on becoming rusty now, can I….
Akstyr – Why don’t you go lick some hairy dung…
Akstyr: “…hotter than the sun’s armpit…”
Maldynado: “…I could sit here waxing poetic, but I would much rather wax a little something else.”
Maldynado: “(I could sit here waxing poetic, but I would much rather wax a little something else)…or maybe something not so little”
Maldynado – A woman like that makes it difficult to keep ones blade in the scabbard.
or – I’m not arrogant. I simply understand how uniquely suited I am for the role I play in the world. If only others knew their place as well.
this is fun!
Amaranthe: Why on earth is that woman wearing feathers on her skirt?
Maldynado: I don’t know but I’d sure like to tickle her feathers… {most likely accompanied by a wink in her direction}
Maldynado: “As we sit here in the cold darkness, shivering and waiting, let’s take some time to warm up by burying the one-eyes worm.”
Akstyr: “Fine words butter no parsnips – close the flap you call a mouth and use the muscle God gave you!”
Maldynado: “with all the talents you have with your dagger, I find it hard to believe that your skills with a different type of… dagger would be disappointing.”
Maldynado “I wouldn’t mind stoking her boiler!”
Akstyr “Oh don’t be such a fart muncher!”
“My hound’s caught the scent of a tantalizing vixen. Now.. to explore her burrow!” ~Maldynado
“Stump-licker!” ~Akstyr
* A play on the capital city’s nickname as well as an oral euphemism!
Akstyr: can call someone an “inbred son of a motherless goat”
Maldynado: enjoys “waxing his banana”
Okay, okay, I’ll give this a shot:
Akstyr: can tell someone “Oh, go swallow a crusty donkey turd…” (classy, I know)
I can’t really come up with something sufficiently awesome for Maldynado…LOL.
Well, I’ll give Maldynado a shot anyway: “I’d like to put a bun in HER oven…” (Referring to some desirable female with whom he’d like to have “relations”) 🙂
Maldynado: I’d bone her duck any day!
Akstyr: …hurts worse than Makarovi balls!
This one is supposed to be an inside joke between Akstyr and Maldynado. 🙂
Maldynado: “Yara, now don’t you think you should take a ride on *this* lawn mower?”
Akstyr: “Charon’s hairy toes!”
Maldynado: “A perfectly law-abiding citizen, such as I, would never ignore such an arousing call to action!”
Maldynado: “rappelling down into a woman’s ravine”
Maldynado: Can I let my snake run amok in your ladygarden?
Akstyr: flaming bat bladders
Maldynado: (after watching Amaranthe and Sicarius for some time) Will you just put your meteor into her crater and get it over with?
Akstyr: “the wrong end of a leathery old man”
Maldynado: “She’s…uh…icing the emperor’s buns”
Akstyr: “You want me to stay here and clean the hideout while you guys investigate? Well, that really lights my orbs.”
Maldynado to Yara as they don diving gear to collect the rockets from the bottom of the river. “Have you ever tried doing it in rubber?”
Akstyr : Go suck your crust rat bollocks!
Maldynado: “I think she just needs to get her chimney swept.”
Akstyr: “Sit on a smokestack!”
Maldynado: “I know that it is not my eyes see blood.”
Akstyr: “Mud is brighter than you.”
Maldynado: “Let’s go skim the cream with my golden spoon!”
OR: (as eating) “I only talk fast; everything else I do with my mouth is smooth and deliberate!”
Aksyr: “By the sickly sheen of Maldynado’s sword!”
Akstyr: This sucks waltzing Makarovi balls…
I am still working on Maldynado’s line…
Maldynado:
What you need is a good stiff one–why don’t you climb on up and ride me like a jockey does a prize stallion.
Or… I believe I have something that would feel much better lodged up that pretty….ompf!
Akstyr:
pestilence’s sweaty ass!
Akstyr: “Emperor’s crusty drawers!” looks to Sespian. “Sorry.”
Maldynado: “Got to keep both sword skills up… if you catch my drift.”
My Akstyr Entry
Some unpleasant task suggested to Akstyr
Akstyr: “I’d rather snare and neuter a tiger”
Sicarius: “That can be arranged.”
Akstyr: “Go suck a dunghill,” and stomps away to start on his assigned task.
My Maldynado Entry
Maldynado: “Enough already, Sicarius. Go plunge her plumbing clean or is your hose crimped?”
Akstyr: “That blows monkey chunks!”
Yara: (something about love-apples shriveling)
Maldynado: Just let me pillage your treasure and my love apples will ripen right up” -lusty wink
Akstyr: “well someone got caught with their trousers down in a lake full of leeches”
Asktyr commenting on the ingnorance of some town folk “They wouldn’t know the difference between shit and apple butter even after the taste test.”
Maldynado commenting on the adornment of headwear “I’d be the undisputably best feather in her cap.”
Maldynado, while staring at a beautiful, wealthy woman in a restaurant, “If I ever plunge my bucket into her well, you’d better believe that water will start boiling!”
To which Akstyr responds, “You have about as much chance of getting into that well as pig’s balls have of becoming a featured item on this menu.”
Maldynado: “You could probably hold my sword with one hand, but I prefer a nice, firm, two-handed grip”
Maldynado: “when this is all over, I am going to devour you like a starving makarovi”
Maldynado (in an instructive tone) – “To chamber a bullet, you have to pump your gun”
Akstyrs – “This is worse than milking a hairy rat’s tit!”
For Maldynado:
“Giving the cat some cream” could be a euphemism for having sex without a condom. It sounds innocent until you think about it (which could be useful in “mixed” company).
Mal- “Believe me, that is one custard truck that I haven’t crashed.”
In their hideout Akstyr explains to Yara about a new book, ”Making Constructs”, and some ideas it has given him.
”I could Make these orbs imbued with heat, so we can keep our hands warm without making a fire.” Akstyr explains excitedly.
”That’s a really ingenious idea.” Yara replies.
Maldynado saunters over and drapes an arm around Yara.
”Don’t worry my Lady, I have two superior orbs you could hold to stay warm.” Maldynado indicates with a wave of his hand.
Akstyr snorts then sees Yara’s glare and turns it into a cough. Shoving his hands in his pockets, Akstyr walks off mumbling ” Worse than horny Grimbal.”
Sespian asks Mal how he got so good at fencing.
Mal, misinterpreting the question, replies, “It is simple, Sire. You simply stick them with the pointy end and let nature do the rest.”
Can’t think of anything good for Akstyr…hmmm. I’ll have to keep thinking.
Maldynado – “I think you’re rushing things a bit. Things always go faster if you take the time to properly grease the tracks, as it were. Though, in my experience, speed is not usually the goal … unless her father is about to walk in on you … or her husband …or -” at which point, i would hope someone would shut him up. the initial comment should not be referring to sex, either. it should just end up there, per Maldynado.
Akstyr – “You vomit-eating, dog-humping, festering scab of crotch rot!”
Maldynado says: “I’ll have her dripping like an ice block in a sauna.”
Amaranthe asks Mal to prepare an emergency kit. Something that they can take with them on their journeys.
“Mal, what are you doing? I asked you to prepare an emergency kit. What is all of this?”
“Boss, you asked me to prepare for an emergency, so I am packing supplies for an emergency.”
The supplies have a (ahem) sexual nature to them.
These are all great. Here’s some I thought of while mucking my horses’ pen…
Akstyr – “crotch vomit” a variation on crotch rot that sounds even more disgusting.
“bung juice” (slang for diarrhea) used in the same manner we use bull sh*t.
Maldynado – “bedded bliss” because he’s got to have at least one euphemism that won’t make women want to slap him.
“pop your cork” can mean sex in general, or more specifically, lose one’s virginity.
An insult that either Akstyr or Maldynado could use:
“You’re as smooth as a leper’s ass.” (Commenting on someone’s skill with the ladies.)
Here are a couple of Akstyrisms:
“sucks ass grease”
“bites festering whore sores”
And a Maldynadon’t:
“Dip my fork into the meat pie.”
Maldynado – refers to anyone he believes he has inspired in some way as having been Maldynized.
Akstyr – Akstyr accuses Maldynado of crop dusting (walking through a crowd while farting so someone else gets blamed.)
Maldynado-
I’d like to plow her field.
I could get you wetter. (After one of the girls gets soaked in rain and complains)
I could make her sing all the right notes.
Akstyr-
Stinking cesspits
Maldynado: “How about we go out for dessert? I’ll add my banana once you’re split.”
Akstyr: “…slick as slimy, drunkard’s dribble…”
Maldynado: “Can I park my car in your garage?”
Someone else: “No you can’t you would probably crash it.”
Akstyr: “That probably has more diseases than Maldynados pork sword.”
Akstyr: “Curi’s crusted butter nuts!”
Akstyr-
“Well, this is about as much fun as being a grimbal’s rectal thermometer.”
Maldynado reveals an alarming thought to Amaranth about Yara’s expectations. “We’ve played some most enjoyable rounds of hide the purple parsnip together but what if another furrow needs seeding?
M: (perhaps to Yara?) “I shouldn’t like to see you fall on your own sword, my dear. In fact, I’d rather you fell on my sword. Perhaps later tonight?”
A: (i think something alliterative, like…) “Raumesys’ rotten rectum!” or “it’s called The Science, you syphilitic scrotum!” (I would say ” By Sicarius’ syphilitic scrotum!” but i think that’s too dangerous!)
M. to Yara: I am the sword, you are the scabbord…I need to be sheathed.
Mal – “I wouldn’t mind letting her polish my Sword.”
I am still working in akstyr’s.
A: Greasy, grimy, gryphon guts.
Whoops I pad correction…
That’s
A: Greasy, grimey, gryphon guts.
This stinks worse than a skunk’s butthole.
Akstyr: Blasted beetle juice!
Maldynado: I’d like a taste of that coconut water.
Maldynado’s reply, when chastised after utterly failing at being stealthy.
Maldynado: “Blame my charms, they tend to attract undesired attention.”
Akstyr: Bloody walrus ass!
Maldynado’you get the sauce, and I’ll get the sausage!
AkstyR’that chews monkey braiN’
All I can come up with is:
Amaranthe: There’s something odd about this…
Akstyr: Odd? It’s fishier than a whore’s…, um, aquarium.
(cackle!)
Maldynado: “I’d like for her to water my tree.”
My biggest fear here is subconsciously having “come up with” something that’s already been used. That said…
I can imagine Akstyr either studying or trying to concentrate and telling someone (likely Maldynado) to stop his “necrotic nattering.”
I can also imagine Maldynado suggesting that Books (maybe in celebration of finishing his project) “find a new inkwell in which to dip your pen.”
Akstyr:That sucks hairy Kyattese slime-monkey balls.
Akstyr, “Chew makarovi fudge.”
Maldynado, “bury your man bone in her yard”
er, rather “bury your bone in her yard”
I give to you today, the Log Splitter, Womb destroyer, Egg busting, Man Butter generator.
The One and Only, Well known though out the continent … I present Hog Leg!
Maldynado: “Sail my ship up her channel”
Akstyr says “Criminy crotch rot!”
Maldynado to Yara: “When this settles down, I can’t wait to find a private corner and imbue you with my decadent ambrosia..”
or, more tender:
“.. twine our limbs and join the cricket symphony”
Akstyr: “grubby, street-eating cretin!” then, disgustedly “huh, I sound like Books.”
Books retorts “I don’t say grubby! But cretin, on the other hand…” as he eyes Maldynado.
Maldynado: “Apologies, I can’t seem to think straight! It’s been far too long since I have properly dipped my wick.”
“That stinks worse than Sicarius bars taste.” Akstyr griped. Realizing what he said out loud, he looked around for for the assassin, wide-eyed.
Maldynado snorted and elbowed Yara, “There are much better uses for organ meat than that!”
Akstyr, after getting bad news: “That’s the maggot meringue on a street pie of a day.”
Maldynado: “I’d like to keep her pie warm.”
Akstyr: *under his breath* “That slimy bugnobbed jinglebrain, I hope his sorry excuse for manhood festers and falls off.”
It seems too obvious to not have been used before, but:
Akstyr “This sucks grimbal nuts!”
Maldynado “I’ll have her clothes off faster than Books can fall down.”
“Mapping her territories.” ~Maldynado
“Tactical night manoeuvres” – Maldynado
For Maldynado: Tickle the trouser trout.
For Akstyr: Crotch mongrel, as an insult.
Akstyr: “…(you) festering wart on a dogs ass! ..”
Maldynado: “… I’d like to put my one-eyed trouser trout in (her/your) fishtank”
Maldynado: Can I park my car in your garage?
Yara: No you would probably crash it.
Akstyr: That has more diseases than Maldynado’s pork sword.
sorry posted twice somehow
A: this sucks sespien’s scrotum!
A: this bangs basilards butt!
A: mutating maggot barf!
A: eat kraken crack/crud!
A: you nad-knocking nincompoop!
A: this sucks Forge’s festering fart juice!
M: I’d let you put your bounty on my head anytime…
M: I bet he’s beating around her bush right now!
M: you know just how to get a rise out of me.
M: you could polish my pommel? its just a suggestion, of course…
M: I’d love to put my money where your moth is…
M: Allow me to introduce you to the delicate art of (slicking your stick)(priming your piece)(creaming your cache)(anointing your arsenal)(valeting your valuables)(jousting your jewels)(sapping your sniper).
A: Where is am’ranthe?
M: oh, she and Sicarius have gone under cover…
B: Where is Sicarius?
M: He and boss are…what did she say? Palavering…
correction:
M: ‘d love to put my money where your mouth is…
M: oh, i don’t know… i might just “rub off” on you…
M: (to a lady) your warehouse is just begging to be “ram-sacked”
M: I’d love to pick her padlock
A few suggestions – I haven’t read earlier comments yet so I don’t know if there are repeats. If so, my apologies to the original poster.
M: I got lost in her (or the) terrain (or the hills or the mountains depending on size). Used as an excuse for not paying attention/not being on time because he was distracted by cleavage.
M: Rigorous inspection of the machinery.
M: Stoking the boiler.
M: Lubing the piston.
M: “While I’m not known for my effusive vocabulary I have been told I have a talented tongue!”
A: Maggot pie (or other food)
A: Miner’s (or other filthy occupation) bath water
A: The imperial army ran through barefoot. As in “My mouth tastes like the imperial army ran through barefoot.”
A: Coopered [noun]. Its old slang for “worn out”.
A: an allusion including “sandpaper condom(s)”
A: Noxious effluvia…followed by a remark that he does listen to Books.
Mal: I’d like to water her garden.
Mal: Put my soldier in her Fun house.
Mal-I want to ice her cupcake!
My coworker says I have to enter the original inspiration which is ” I want to lick HER cupcake!!” 😉
M: The ladies love to play Jack on my beanstalk.
A (in response to a “great” idea): Umh yeah, that tickles my butt hairs.
Akstyr- I don’t normally moan, but this tastes like burnt turd.
Looking forward to the list of honorable mentions & winners!
Books walks on a naked Mal
B: What in tarnation are you doing? On second thoughts, don’t answer that
M: Oh hullo books, I’m uh.. manscaping my snake pit. You should try it sometimes emperors teeth knows you have too much hair